A Round Trip to Love V3 C8

I stood there stumped, my brain stuttered while comprehension struggled to catch up. Feeling a cough itching its way up from the back of my throat, I hurriedly turned around to walk away.

An uncomfortable heat arose in my stomach quite unlike the usual discomfort of gastric. I made my way briskly down the stairs when a middle-aged woman who looks like she could be one of the house servants came up to me and asked, “Mr. Cheng, where are you going?”

“I am heading back now.”

“Aren’t you staying the night here?”

“I have something urgent to attend to but Lu Feng he’s …… He’s busy right now. If he asks, may I trouble you to let him know that I have to leave and to send him my apologies.”

“Oh, in that case ……”

With all possible haste, I stepped out of the house. A shortness of breath caught up with me even before I reached the garden. The faint scent lingering in the night breeze, the patch of rose garden, the water lilies in the pool, the orchids and the unseasonal abundance of greenery, reminded me of the awe I felt the first time I came here, and the nervous anticipation of seeing him again.

This will be the last time I ever walk through here. There will be no next time.

I was not even aware that I have already repulsed him to this extent.

If it is inconvenient to bring me back here, why did he not say so?

And why does it matter whether he arrange the most remote bedroom for me or not, even if he had settled me in the servant’s quarters I would be equally grateful for his hospitality.

Since my brazen display of affection for him disturbs him so much, why go through the annoyance of continually seeing me? Just because he felt some kind of accountability?

He could have easily cool things off with me by giving me a courteous advice that I should exercise some restrain, as it is making him uncomfortable, surely he can trust that I will take it as it is – just a kindly reminder. And then I definitely would not do anything that might even remotely cause him to feel burdened. I would be very careful not to ever cross the line, even if that meant never seeing him again.

In a muddled state of mind, I concentrated on moving my feet forward quickly. My nose started acting up again and I sniffled twice, and coughed a few times. The path before me suddenly looked a little blurred.

Get a hold of yourself now unless you wish to lose your last remaining scrap of dignity.

“Xiao Chen!”

I have yet to reach the end of the stone gravel pavement when I heard him chasing up behind me. I jolted in shock as I realized how awkward it would be for me to see him now, yet I could not keep walking, so I stopped my feet.

He came up to me drawing for breath, the brows knitted together in a frown relaxed a little when he saw me waiting there: “Luckily I caught up to you, I thought you have left the compound. Why did you leave without a word?”

“I did ask someone to pass a message on to you ……”

“Why pass a message? Is it too much trouble for you to inform me yourself?”

“I suddenly remembered that I have some urgent matters to see to, so ……”

Not speaking, I could not see his expressions clearly as his face fell under the shadow of the dark night. After a few moments, he said: “Since it’s urgent, I’ll send you there, it will be faster.”

I waved my hands frantically: “No need!”

“Why?”

“Don’t trouble yourself, I can get a taxi just outside, it’s very convenient.”

“Is my driving skills worse than a taxi driver?”

“No of course not, I just didn’t want to disturb you, you have already rested, I ……”

“You are not disturbing me, and I am very free right now.”

Stubbornly taking our stand, we were both rigid, none giving in or willing to take a step back.

A cold silence ensued, he was the one who spoke up eventually: “Let’s not stand on ceremony anymore, come, just hop in the car.”

“Really, you don’t need to ……. Ah —“

He grasped a wrist of mine harshly, and pulled me along, his patience obviously reached its limit. He strode forward dragging me along behind him, staring into his back, an unexpected surge of anger overtook me.

Using me as a topic of entertainment between you and your lover, is it very amusing?

What’s the point of showing hospitality to a man only to turn around making him out to be a laughing stock just a few minutes later, isn’t that completely redundant?

It had been a long time since I felt anger. Every word I overheard from the phone conversation stung as it replayed itself in my head, fueling the fire burning from the pit of my stomach, rising with dangerous intensity. I gripped his wrist with my free hand, trying hard to jerk my other hand out of his grasp.

My wilful resistance aggravated him, and in the midst of tussling, our arms twisted together, before long it had turned into an actual scuffle only without any grunting sounds from either sides.

The hand he was grabbing slipped its hold on me and I was thrown out with such force that I fell flat on the ground with my face landing on the curb. A sea of blackness covered my eyes, and then a gush of pain jolted through my face as I felt a wetness rolling down my forehead.

“Xiao Chen!”

He called out in near hysteria, helping me up in a flurry of actions, apologizing profusely, saying it was his fault for missing his grip and asking me repeatedly if I was okay.

I kept my head down, one hand covering my face. That bit of anger dissipated along with the nosebleed that was slowly dripping out. The wrath disappeared as bizarrely as it came, I could not feel angry anymore, not at all.

I just want to find a corner to laugh at myself.

Bruised and winded, I mentally evaluated my injuries. An open wound on my eyebrows sending streaks of blood down, a nose bleed, and a suspicious taste of blood in my mouth. I might have bit into my tongue, as for my teeth I just hope that none have been knocked off or smashed.

” ……. Are you bleeding?”

He bent down to take a closer look at my face, but I refused to let go of the hand covering my nose and mouth, not willing to give him a reason to add on to his guilt towards me.

“I’m okay,” my voice was muffled between my fingers, “I’m really okay …….”

I didn’t know what else to say, I just didn’t want to meet him in the eye.

“I’ll just head back first …….”

My eyes glazed over with a glassy layer of tears, I am not sure why but it might be because of the pain. I assured him: “Don’t worry, I am fine to go back by myself, really, you don’t have to send me off …….”

“Xiao Chen.”

I kept my head down, concealing the extent of my injury from him and tried to walk past him.

“Let me see.”

As soon as he said that, he ripped the hand off my face and forcefully inspected the damage. His face turned green.

“It hurts, doesn’t it?” Why rub my nosebleed on the sleeve of this expensive cashmere sweater, it’s not worth dirtying it like this.

“Are you dizzy? How come there’s blood here too, teeth…… Are your teeth okay? Did you bite your tongue? What’s wrong? Am I hurting you? Where else is bleeding? Let me see …….”

“ ……..”

“I’ll call the doctor, let’s head back inside first.”

“No need …… I’m fine.” At my age, I’ll be losing my teeth in another decade or so anyway, a little sooner isn’t going to make much of a difference.

I really don’t mind, why bother calling a doctor?

He did not pay any attention to what I said as he anxiously rubbed my face with his usual rough touches. I tried to shield myself from him but he grabbed my hand and kept on rubbing, the blood finally gushed out in earnest, making me feel faint.

“What’s wrong? Did I rub too hard? He stammered, still ignorant to his own clumsiness. He hesitated for a moment, and suddenly picked me up into his arms and walked back to the house in large strides.

My body suddenly suspended in the air, the center of gravity shifted making my head tilt back dramatically. I could feel myself blacking out so I shut my eyes and could not make any further protests.

He laid me down on the bed and used a warm towel to tend to my battered face. The doctor came in a hurry and was sent away in a hurry, not being of much help.

Soon everything went back to normal and without those two clumps of cotton stuffed up my nostrils, I also look and felt less ridiculous. The man sitting next to me finally heaved a sigh of relief as he looked down at me with a steady gaze, “You feel better now?”

I replied with a soft “Um”. He relaxed his brow, extended a hand towards me but hung it in mid air, contemplating. He finally placed it on my hair, stroking: “Sorry, I couldn’t control my own strength earlier ….. please don’t be mad at me.”

This dreamlike tenderness again, I could not help but to bask in it for what it’s worth.

In the end I cannot bear to stay angry at him, so what if I was mocked behind my back, the humiliation did hurt a bit, but ……

After letting out some blood, I am all fine now.

“You really didn’t have to be so hard on yourself,” I started talking with a faint ache on my tongue, the words slurring, “If you are trying to make it up to me or something, I want to assure you that it’s really not necessary. I am not holding anything to heart so please don’t be so difficult on yourself.”

“I promise I will not bother you ever again either,” I choked the words out from the depths of my heart, “Sometimes my brain gets confused with situations, and that might have made me stare at you or act a little weird at times …… but I am still clear-headed enough to know there’s nothing between us. Please don’t put them to heart, or even think about it, just be assured that I now know not to let it happen again.”

“Sorry for all the trouble tonight, I am feeling a lot better now,” I rose to my feet, in a somewhat trance-like manner, tugging at the hem of my wrinkled shirt, “so I’ll just let myself out …….”

He did not respond, just sitting there stiffly, as if he had just heard something so absurd that he could not even think of a suitable reply, the expression on his face indecipherable.

“Goodbye ……” I sighed, immediately realizing that it is goodbye indeed. Still not getting a respond, I stepped away.

His hand tightened around my wrist, and I had just turned around to look back at him when my eyes suddenly went dark.

Covering my lips was a rolling softness, his probing mouth steeped in passion, and when our tongues touch, the back of my spine went numb. I lost all instincts to shrink back or lean closer to him, but I opened my mouth slightly and he fills it.

The brain is seized in paralysis, my body loosened to the sole sensation of being touched by him. My consciousness centers around the hot, powerful, wet, soft object that is his lips, his tongue making me sore in the insides of my mouth, his warm palm holding the back of my head, and the rest was a total blur.

I can’t describe what kind of kiss it is, but it left me breathless and weak in the knees.

When he slowly withdrew, my eyes finally lit up a bit, and I gasped in some air, desperately trying to catch my breath.

Only a moment later, my lips were drawn into a passionate kiss again, and this time it were not just deep kisses, but hard relentless sucking and licking, as if he wants to swallow me alive.

I finally twisted my head and opened my mouth to say something, but he caught up with me and gagged my lips with his again, while whispering faintly: “Shh …… Don’t talk, be good and let me do the talking …… Don’t move, just let me hug you for a while first ……”

His voice is trembling. I froze and did not dare move again.

“Is that really what you meant?”

“It is, isn’t it? I am not mistaken? …… Xiao Chen ……?

“Do you still think of me? You’d still want to …… look at me, too, don’t you?”

“Xiao Chen …….”

I let him cuddle me, not understanding what he was asking, but as I peeked at his eyes swarming with tears, my nose stuffed up again.

My waist was suddenly clasped tightly, and he rolled his head to bury itself between the blades of my shoulders as if to hide in it, somewhat timidly.

“I, was just on the phone asking Xiao Luo …… asking him what I was going to do tonight ……”

“Because I brought back the man who have occupied my thoughts day and night, but I didn’t dare to even touch him …… I wanted to spend more time with him, hoping to maybe even chat through the night with him, but I didn’t dare to even knock on the door to deliver a glass of water to find the opportunity to do that ……”

“I would give anything to be able to sleep next to him again, but the last time I kissed him he hated me for it …… if I couldn’t help myself and do more than just kissing him, wouldn’t he take off and leave me again?”

“It’s already a good thing he doesn’t hide from me when he sees me recently …… and for the first time, he was willing to go out to dinner with me. The mood and atmosphere was so good, you cannot imagine how happy I was, but my former bedmate had to appear …….”

“He is a person who loves cleanliness so much that he would not forgive me after bumping into me sleeping with someone once. And …… at that time I deliberately made out with a lot of people in front of him. Even though he didn’t mention it, I know all too well that he must have hated it so much in his heart. The thing that scares me the most now is him being reminded of it again ……. but I am so unlucky as to run into a guy I messed around with before, I’m really speechless.”

“He really got upset, and his attitude changed for the rest of the night …… But there’s been a huge improvement, he’s not as wary of me now, and would give me unguarded looks, sometimes even breaking out in a smile for me ……I think, I’m not going to be able to do this anymore …… I’m certain I’ll do something impulsive if I keep this up …… I know if I ever take him by force again, it will all be over, but holding myself back is really so hard to bear ……”

“Xiao Luo advised me to try not to see him for a few days, it might be better …..”

“But then I thought, even if I don’t sleep with him, can I just hug and kiss him, even that would be good enough …… but would he be willing to let me?”

He lifted his head and looked at me, “Will you be willing?”

“Are you still …… afraid of me?”

“Xiao Chen?”

He asked in a pleading tone, worried and cautiously.

The kind of sadness that seeped into my bones exploded out in a cascade of tears, I reached out and cradled his head hard on me, and felt a strong shudder of surprise from him.

I never thought, and never dared to believe, that it would be this way.

The Lu Feng I remember was always so domineering and arrogant, soaring above everyone else, and I never knew he can also be weak and forbearing.

It turned out …… I was the one who thought too highly of him.

That youthful, proud and tyrannical Lu Feng, that capricious and unyielding Lu Feng, the man who always pick me up indiscriminately, ripping apart my clothes when he feels like it, always rough and never caring, always confident and never diffident.

Where has he gone?

“Lu Feng, Lu Feng ……”

My voice sounded terrible, and somewhat jarring in the quiet of the house. I was crying mutely and holding him as tightly as possible to me, this person who is my life.

He is really old now. Although he still has a handsome face, only slimmer, but there are more fine lines showing now when he smiles. The toughness and strength that used to allow him to withstand anything is gone.

While I was not aware, he had already become old.

“Lu Feng, Lu Feng ……”

He who feared that he will be abandoned by me if he loses his status, he who has given up his family business to be with me, he who has travelled a long way only to find out that he will never get to see me again, he who is penniless and struggling to support himself, he who hasn’t had me by his side for decades, he who has been looking for me over and over again…….

Only to finally learn that I married the daughter of a wealthy man, had a child and lived a happy family life with her …… and that the only one who suffered through years of heartache is him alone.

He who stood by my bed for an entire year …….

He who accompanied me throughout my recovery, watching me quietly through the glass door alone outside the ward.

He who comes rain or shine to the bookstore every night to wait for me.

He who sat quietly in the hotel lobby.

He whose arm got caught in the car door and was dragged alongside the car ……

He can also feel pain. And I actually did not realize it until now.

I only knew how to feel sorry for Zhuo Lan, for Wen Yang, for my brother…….

But only hate for him.

And never once did I say sorry to him.

Never once did I ask myself what I should repay him with for twenty years of loneliness and pain.

“Lu Feng …… Lu Feng ……”

I wept for his wasted youth, for his bruised heart, and for the love that he was bereft of that I took for granted.